i wanted to kill myself.
i was thinking of ways to do it.
i bought a gym membership. my plan was to run myself to death...

i didn't die.

there was a point when i would have died for you.

JONAH
december

'life is about change. nothing ever stays the same.'

hi. you're perfect. k bye.

me:

i know
but she thrives on danger

him:

so
you fly too close to the sun ?

i belong somewhere between being amazed by her and understood by you

be my girlfriend.

there's plenty of fish in the sea


fuck you. she was my sea.

attempting to predict the likelihood of our together forever-ness based on vowels and consonants and dammit our names had so many

i opened my mouth to say,

"come back to me. be mine."

but then i heard this glimmer of hope in what you've found. this beautiful trail of golden-pink words drifting from your lips, painting pictures of her..

then transforming into blue wind; screaming down these wires and filling me up. and all of a sudden i'm on the outside looking in. i don't belong to you, with you, beside you, anymore. i guess i thought i still might...

i bit my tounge, then.

i think this time it might be goodbye

you were so perfect, your whole life
i didn't even know you, but i can see it in your baby pictures

more than anyone else, i lost you.

talk shit about my cat one more time and see what happens

she's just waiting for the summertime when the weather's fine; she could hitch a ride out of town and so far away from that
low down
good for nuthin'
mistake making fool
with excuses like baby that was a long time ago
but that's just a euphemism if you want the truth he was out of control

but a short time's a long time when your mind just won't let it go...

" You are invited to annonymously contribute a secret to a group art project. Your secret can be a regret, fear, betrayal, desire, confession, or childhood humiliation. Reveal anything - as long as it is true and you have never shared it with anyone before. " www.postsecret.com



everytime i listen to explosions in the sky i see little blue fireflies all around me. i miss you.




i loved you.

what is your favorite hour
come get me than.

bring me somewhere.

WHEN I SAY YOUR NAME IT'S LIKE SAYING LOOK AT THOSE CLOUDS

she tells me these things through her hand shakes. we mean it when we shake hands. we've got some things in common. i have pieces of you that she'll never have. we've got to be grown up about this. she won't rock us.

i wouldn't of lasted 3 months

i guess it was fleeting...

i lied to you on the phone tonight
i'm sorry
i didn't want to scare you away
i thought you'd just get frustrated with me...

doing this can become a 'compulsion'
i looked it up.

i used to care about you so much
i don't care if you think about me anymore

i'm feeling desperate, lately.

maybe i only need you because i'm fragile.

i don't know if these are acts of desperation. when all is said and done it hurts. it's hard to convince myself that you would notice, otherwise. i know you would. i know it would make you sad to know that. i'm leaning on every moment. i've fallen a bit to far in. i don't want people to know. i don't want people to notice me, now.

the world used to be in front of me.

you are my favorite ghost

if i can't be beautiful i want to be invisible

i won't watch your electric side show
i've got way better places to go...

maybe they thought they loved each other at the time
maybe they did

maybe we did
maybe we thought so, at the time

and i'm not scared of your stolen power
see right through you any hour

there's something about you. there's secret magic in you. i don't know how to explain it. i don't think words even exist around you. everything is just replaced by light. its beyond anything.

i just remembered what your soul looks like.

she covers her lover..

fuck you and your ability to forget me

welcome to the i don't care club

well, i have.

you think you're so much older and wiser than me. as if i haven't been through shit and magic and fall outs.

blogs are the best kind of freedom

if paper magic were suburbs there'd be urban sprawl all over my bedroom. cardboard mixtapes and hospital bracelets and little cars and magic paper boats that keep me believing... i'm sitting on the floor. surrounded. it's all spread out around me. i'm not moving from the middle of it all.
it was just like our rooms.

there's no one else like you.
but me.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pz5H3iVjAlw

but you can set sail to the
west
if
you
want
to .....

so many songs are laced with you

electric guitar...

i've been watching your countdown
i bet you're so excited
i wish i could call you and tell you how excited i am for you. and that our moments are still safe somewhere in time. and that i miss just driving.

txt 1:

ugh why did we meet? now, anyways? if its just retarded. i wish i lived in amsterdam. and we could be penpals. and i could write you love letters on paper airplanes cause we're be so far, it would be safe.

txt 2:

ok then ill just put up with you and stop being so sentivite
we rock in person xo.

please don't go back on your words

her: hi

me: heart thud

her: is that a good thing or a bad thing?

me: uh. a good thing i guess. it's like a heart skip. but instead it's a thud.

i'm a mess
confused overwhelmed
wishing things could mean less and no one expected me to be however. to SAY certain things. to give them full attention over and over... i'm all over the place. the second you expect something out of me i'll do the opposite. get over it. i don't make promises i can't keep. don't fall for me, please. i won't fall back. My heart is in so many people's chests.


You mean so much. it would be such a shame to lose each other.

it would be so sad.

either be a distraction or a friend. or both.

JONAH
[ casanova-bleu ]
august; he used to be so little

i think about you every time i hear this song:

... and we're miles from ordinary
where bright lights can steal our stars

and now we don't talk

you left marks on me...

i could be your butterfly,
just don't hold me to close or tight or you'll crush me.

butterflies are fragile and free...

sometimes i just feel like no one's on my side...
like people are playing tricks on me and laughing
that's exaclty how it feels
like they're trying to get a reaction out of me because its fun... and inside my heart is exploding. and i'm looking at them with these wide open eyes screaming things at them, like "i loved you" and "don't disappear on me" and they don't see a thing.

put up with me

no one ever does

don't breathe

thinking that if we were rain, i was drizzle and she was a hurricane.

dads can be so heartbreaking. how could anyone ever hurt you? sometimes i think you should have been a princess.

brothers
step brothers

i can't stop staring at you dance. honestly, its the best thing i've ever seen. it makes me stop breathing.

i keep listening to this stupid song on repeat. you're easy. please don't become complicated; you'll lose me.

good night

i had the worst dream about you last night
i can't even say it
i woke up so dazed and confused...

i would.
you know i would.

i know you would.

i'll watch the night turn light blue (but it's not the same without you)...

get me cereal. i might kiss you if you get me cereal.

i wish i could shove you in a cereal box and send you to china as a shiny toy. some kid would appreciate you.

hahaha, fag.

uhhhh please stop filling my inbox because i can't recieve any more messages from you now.

5) " Your many texts behind... fucker. Put that in your blog. "

4) " You're a text behind, fucker. "

3) "good luck." i don't want it, thanks.

she told me, " fill yourself with new obsessions. "

2) "it's fine with me." i had to answer quick otherwise i might have broken down entirely. right then and there. right on the wet pavement. and then you would have known my secret.

i miss it

1) we should sit and have a heart to heart about how she stole pieces of both of us. and how she's breathtaking.

"that's the saddest thing i've ever heard."

we should talk
about stuff

blue things
and girls with boyfriends
and songwriters
and not about how everything fell apart, for very long

chances are, i'll forgive you.

don't talk to me. i'll just hear white-noise anyway.

body slam me

i'm seriously considering living vicariously through quotes of all the things you say. oh, and i don't even know you.

YOU ARE WASTING YOUR WHOLE LIFE TRYING TO SURVIVE

"Why do you underestimate my knowing?"

" But why do you underestimate it.
i could know just as much as you. "

we have never only been friends

this is how the earth was made

it began with light:
it floated into your room
golden
crept along the sheets
cupped your face
and what was left when it was gone
became fireflies
and then the heavens opened:
and with your head tilted backwards
droplets fell on lashes
and in an attept to be so beautiful,
the night stars began shining
time does not exist when you are in it
and with that the land was formed:
canyons in the cleft of your chin
lines drawn by fingers
across skin
blonde hairs become the grasslands
shapes form in the clouds
and all the rest are incomparable afterthoughts:
snow geese
shallow rivers
dragonflies...
smile and the earth is warmed

now take solace
in me.

i can handle it
i'm not as delicate inside as i could have been with you

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lalf5uzVBdo&feature=player_embedded

Veselin Tasev - Blue Light [Arctic Moon Remix]

You're ruthless

i think you're more beautiful

caitlin montford:

1. 'i think this stuff is laced'

2. 'i'm tripping over these sidebars on the computer screen'

3. 'hamilton weed WOULD be laced'

4. 'bastards'

5. 'so i have this drawer next to my desk.
and you know what it's only two contents are?'

6. 'i bet you don't'

7. 'so i'll tell you'

8. 'a bag of marijuana and a flyer for "wing it".'

9. 'all it's missing is jena'

10. 'however furthermore therefore such as contradictory to whereas, i best be heading to bed now... or something. but this screen is just too brightly coloured and intense for my little eyes to bear at the moment. maybe i'll make my way back over sometime. maybe not. we'll see where the wind takes me. it's frickin windy up here. talk to you later woman.'

let me know when you're over this quarter life crisis bullshit.

its a secret we keep

i realized that i meant 'mason jar' instead of 'bubble'.

'she slips under the covers
out of sight

she covers her lover... '

you're the first person i want to talk to when i feel like giving up. you're the last person i want to hear telling me what to do. sometimes i want to shake you until you have shaken-baby-syndrome.

it really sucks that you like me so much.

backbone

this is the most magic time.

i wrote an anti-suicide note.

its a list of things i want people to know if i never get the chance to tell them...

it's filled with the things i wish i could have said, the things i'll miss the most, the words i'll whisper from wherever i am, sad things, love things...

maybe you're in it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tWtZ54DYBdY&feature=related

i don't care.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IrE7mh7Emj4&feature=related

without you the ground thaws the rain falls the grass grows without you the seeds root the flowers bloom the children play the stars gleam the poets dream the eagles fly without you the earth turns the sun burns but I die without you without you the breeze warms the girl smiles the cloud moves without you the tides change the boys run the oceans crash the crowds roar the days soar the babies cry without you the moon glows the river flows but I die without you the world revives colors renew but I know blue only blue lonely blue within me blue without you...

JONAH
[ casanova-bleu ]
september

i miss your kisses

'and in the end, i just don't belong anywhere except on a rooftop with YOU.'

ps. were wearing each other's sweaters.

please just someone find her

i memorized the length of your arm
how many heartbeats it takes
to reach the end of your fingers
with mine

and that's the only thing about you
i'll ever want to know off by heart.

we're hardly close to each other, now.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ylg7Rlos9jY&feature=related

a million people want you. don't forget me. every day i find new places to take you.

JONAH
[ casanova-bleu ]
september

i miss you

the midnight streets feel dead when I am so used to driving with you

when i said 'stop liking me' what i meant was, 'don't stop liking me.'

Wes: You know you're pretty rad, right?

Me: I'm not, really.

Wes: That's fine Jenna. (he never spells this right) ..because I know it.

Me: That's like when I told her 'you might be the most beautiful I've ever known,' and her not believing it but that not mattering because I know it.

Wes: See. You get it. It's pretty cool knowing the most beautiful person in the galaxy, though.

Me: It kind of breaks your heart; just knowing.

Wes: I guess that's the price you pay.

Me: It's the greatest privilege besides music.

Do you have any idea how hard it is that this is the right thing to do?

just wondering.

She's a starseed

I'm a wallflower

"You see things. You keep quiet about them. And you understand."
-The Perks of Being a Wallflower

I'm also a lightworker

"can be starborn or earthborn humans who also have an awakening, with knowledge and skills to teach other people to recognize their own place in this brave new world."

"Often times, the lightworker may feel a bit isolated or different, as others seem engrossed in ego-based pursuits."

and I have memories of her

"their (lightworkers') vision of life is colored by a spiritual sense of how all things are related together. They consciously or subconsciously carry memories within them of non-earthly spheres of light."

I was a feral child, once.

wild.

[ and we'll fall
forever bound
together we'll drown.

and when we surface
our hands clasped tight
on the only lasting light. ]

Honestly, there's so much I should never say out loud.
Yesterday I woke up. This light changes everything about this city-

this shadow, this breeze, the way the clouds are acting..

I was thinking,

that you'll look cute when it snows;

[ It'll gather on your eyelashes. ]

...and only some people call me Lukah.

and I'm not good to everyone.

when i said stop it -
i meant stop getting your hopes up.

don't read this

cause if I kissed you harder I might like you harder.

show me every black and white photograph you've ever taken

You did it again
You reached out again
[hand against chin]
[some hidden intention]
and for a fleeting moment
[we both knew]

.

JONAH
[ casanova-bleu ]
august